terms you deserve to know
For little beans with big storms,
and anyone who was told they were “too much.”
This isn’t a callout page. It’s a clarity page. A “you’re not broken” page. A “this has a name, and you’re not alone” page.
Sometimes harm is charming. Sometimes being okay looks a little messy. This glossary gives language to the ache you couldn’t explain, the freeze you couldn’t justify, and the confusion that left you doubting your own brain.
Whether you’re regressed, masking, or glitching mid-memory — you deserve words, you deserve care, and you were never too much.
About Content Warnings & Spoilers
Some entries below include examples of emotional abuse, trauma, regression stigma, or identity invalidation.
On Discord, we use spoiler bars (like ||this||) so you can
click or tap to reveal them. On this page, we’re using
click-to-open sections instead — so you stay in control.
CW = Content Warning • TW = Trigger Warning. Skip anything that feels too heavy — your body knows best.
Nothing here is medical or legal advice. It’s language for patterns many of us have lived through, so you can say: “That was real. I didn’t imagine it.”
🌟 DARVO — Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender
You say “This hurt.” They say “You’re cruel.” Suddenly they’re the victim and you’re the monster. The harm gets flipped, and your hurt gets erased.
Example (CW: guilt-tripping after boundaries)
“They said I was abusive for not wanting to ‘talk it out’ — right after ignoring my boundaries.”
🌪️ Gaslighting — Manipulating someone into doubting their truth
When someone repeatedly tells you your memories, reactions, or perceptions are wrong until you start to distrust your own reality.
Example (TW: memory invalidation)
“I was told I imagined the harm, that I made it up, that I was ‘too emotional to trust.’”
🧠 Gaslight Adjacent — “I don’t remember it like that...”
Even when it isn’t intentional, phrases like “you took it wrong” or “you’re twisting my words” can still chip away at your clarity.
Example (CW: minimization)
“They insisted I was ‘twisting their words’ until I stopped trusting my own recall.”
Echo Loops — Same pain, different person
You keep running into the same pattern with new faces. Different people, same ache, same ending.
Example (TW: relationship pattern reenactment)
“Every time I opened up, they pulled away. Different people, same ache.”
⮍ Trauma Looping — Retelling the story over and over
Not because you want attention, but because you want someone to say: “That was real. You didn’t deserve that.”
Example (CW: repetition seeking validation)
“I kept explaining what happened just to hear someone say, ‘I believe you.’”
🔥 Reactive Abuse — Breaking down after being broken down
They erode your patience, then spotlight the one moment you snapped as proof that you’re the problem.
Example (CW: weaponized meltdown)
“They pushed me for weeks — then used one angry reply as proof I was the problem.”
🪢 Trauma Bond — Wanting love from the person who hurts you
When the rush of comfort or closeness feels stronger than your fear of being hurt again.
Example (TW: trauma loyalty)
“I stayed close because the idea of losing them hurt more than being hurt by them.”
🙈 Flying Monkeys — People used to guilt or pressure you on someone’s behalf
When someone recruits others to deliver messages, apply pressure, or guilt-trip you instead of respecting your boundary.
Example (CW: third-party pressure)
“Their friend messaged me: ‘They miss you.’ I never consented to that contact.”
💘 Love Bombing — Intense praise to gain emotional control
You’re the best thing ever — until you say no. Then the warmth disappears, or flips into coldness or cruelty.
Example (CW: sudden discard)
“They made me feel like their whole world — then iced me out after I set a boundary.”
🌫️ Emotional Flashbacks — Present panic from past pain
When a phrase, tone, or situation yanks you into old fear, shame, or panic, even though you know you’re technically safe now.
Example (TW: sudden fear response)
“They said ‘you’re too much’ and suddenly I was back in my childhood bedroom, afraid again.”
🐇 Fawning — Over-apologizing or appeasing to feel safe
Shrinking yourself, over-explaining, or saying “it’s okay” when it isn’t — just to keep someone from leaving or exploding.
Example (CW: compulsive people-pleasing)
“I said ‘it’s okay’ after being hurt — because I thought that was the only way they’d stay.”
🧠 Weaponized Therapy Language — Using psych terms to shame or silence
Throwing around diagnoses or buzzwords (“narcissist,” “delusional,” “toxic”) to discredit you instead of engaging with your feelings.
Example (TW: mental health slurs)
“They called me ‘narcissistic,’ ‘delusional,’ and ‘manipulative’ — not to help me, but to discredit me.”
🕷️ Smear Campaign — Quiet sabotage behind your back
When someone quietly spreads rumors or half-truths to make you look dangerous, unstable, or untrustworthy.
Example (CW: stigmatization)
“They told others I was dangerous and unstable — for being regressed and needing softness.”
🧩 Introjection & Self-Gaslighting — Internalizing the voice that hurt you
When you start repeating their criticisms to yourself before anyone else can, because that’s what you were taught to expect.
Example (TW: shame-based identity)
“I told myself I ruined everything before anyone else could say it — because someone once did.”
🎭 Covert Abuse — Harm hidden under guilt or silence
Emotional harm that doesn’t look dramatic from the outside — guilt-trips, silent treatment, subtle digs — but still slices deep.
Example (CW: emotional manipulation)
“They said ‘I guess I just don’t matter to you’ — after I asked for space.”
✝️ Spiritual Bypassing — Using “healing” to avoid accountability
When someone uses spirituality, positivity, or “high vibes only” to dodge responsibility for real harm.
Example (CW: dismissal with “love and light”)
“They told me to ‘focus on the light’ instead of admitting they’d hurt me.”
🪨 Gray Rock / Freeze Response — Going dull to deflect attention
Becoming quiet, flat, or robotic in conversations — not because you don’t care, but because going still feels safest.
Example (TW: dissociation)
“I became robotic in a conversation — not because I didn’t care, but because I couldn’t feel.”
🧊 Emotional Withholding — Using silence as power
Intentionally ignoring, stonewalling, or going cold to make you spiral, punish you, or regain control.
Example (CW: ghosting as punishment)
“They ignored my messages after I voiced a need — just to make me spiral.”
🧼 Emotional Hygiene — Processing your feelings before sharing your fire
Taking time to sort what belongs to who, so you don’t hand someone else the hurt that wasn’t theirs to carry.
Example (CW: misplaced hurt)
“I snapped at someone kind — because I hadn’t cleaned out what someone else did to me.”
🫧 Disorganized Attachment — Wanting closeness while fearing connection
When your attachment system screams “get close” and “run away” at the same time, creating a push–pull pattern.
Example (TW: push–pull)
“I pushed them away before they could leave. Then I cried and begged for them back.”
🐚 Protective Freeze — Smile. Numb. Forget what you were saying.
A nervous system slam on the brakes. You go blank or “lose your words” when things get overwhelming.
Example (CW: shutdown response)
“When I get overwhelmed, I go blank. Not on purpose — it’s my soft body trying to hide.”
🪞 Mirror Wounding — Absorbing someone else's emotions as guilt
When someone else’s distress automatically turns into “I’m bad” or “I did something wrong,” even when you’re the one bleeding.
Example (CW: emotional inversion)
“They were sad. I said sorry. Then I realized… I was the one bleeding.”
🚧 Emotional Boundaries — Knowing what’s yours and what’s not
Being able to say “this feeling is mine, that feeling is yours” without merging into one big puddle of guilt.
Example (CW: emotional enmeshment)
“I kept feeling like I had to fix their mood — even when I was the one hurting.”
❤️ Repair Attempts — How trust is rebuilt (if it’s going to be)
Not “I’m sorry you’re upset,” but “I see how I hurt you, and I want to change.” Real repair comes with curiosity, accountability, and changed behavior.
Example (CW: fake apologies)
“They said ‘I’m sorry you feel that way,’ but changed nothing.”
🪡 Soft Boundaries — Gentle tone, real limit
Saying no in a calm, kind way — and having that no still count, even if you never raise your voice.
Example (CW: dismissed “no”)
“I said, ‘That makes me uncomfortable,’ and they called me dramatic.”
🚫 Kink Invalidation — Shaming people for consensual, adult dynamics
Mocking, moralizing, or pathologizing consensual adult kink or power exchange, instead of simply opting out.
Example (CW: kink shaming)
“They mocked me for something that made me feel safe and wanted.”
🍼 Regression Invalidation — Mocking comfort behaviors as childish
Shaming pacis, onesies, diapers, or other comfort items as “gross” or “immature,” instead of recognizing them as coping tools.
Example (TW: ABDL / regression shaming)
“They laughed at my onesie and paci — not realizing they were the only reason I got through the week.”
🔋 Emotional Burnout — You’re not distant because you don’t care — you’re spent
When your tank is so empty from surviving that you can’t reply, engage, or show up the way you wish you could.
Example (CW: compassion fatigue)
“I stopped replying to messages not because I was angry — but because I had nothing left in me.”
🎀 Care-Pressuring — Feeling expected to comfort others while you’re breaking
When you’re treated like the designated comfort person, even when you’re falling apart too.
Example (CW: overloaded caregiver)
“They cried. I was crying too. But I still felt like I had to hold them.”
🔁 Reverse Boundaries — When someone uses your boundary as a weapon
Turning your “please don’t do that” into proof that you’re controlling or abusive, just for trying to feel safe.
Example (CW: deflective manipulation)
“I said ‘please don’t raise your voice,’ and they said I was ‘controlling and abusive.’”
🧱 Stonewalling / Emotional Walling — Refusing to engage to gain control
Shutting down conversations, withholding answers, or dragging out silence to punish, confuse, or control — not to self-regulate.
Example (CW: withholding communication)
“They refused to respond after I brought up a hurtful comment. Days passed. I questioned everything.”
🌸 You weren’t “too much.” You were too dismissed.
You weren’t dramatic — you were unheard. You weren’t unstable — you were unprotected. You weren’t toxic — you were reacting with what you had left.
You don’t owe access to people who erased you. You don’t owe closure to people who used your softness against you.
“This isn’t a conversation. It’s a boundary — and it’s already been set.”
My order of care:
1. 🛡️ My self • 2. 🍼 My littles • 3. 🧸 My staff • 4. 🌼 My regulars & community